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May 18, 2011

(MyStory) An Angry Man

I was an angry person. And that shadow of mine seems to be hiding and waiting for the right moment to appear and crush everything that I've been protecting all this time.

As a boy, I was among the most vengeful kid in school. There was one time that due to misunderstanding between me and a friend, I hit his head with my new plastic stationary box. the box broken into 2 pieces. My friend? He injured his head, with blood dripping through his hair. What was the subject of discontent? I didn't remember much, but I think it was about my friend here accidentally dropped my exercise books to the floor. And I punished him with a blow at his head. I'm sorry my friend, because of my anger, you became one of my unfortunate victims. I was 11 years old during this incident.

There was one time at evening religious school, during recess where all of us would be playing among ourselves. What kind of play? Well, as a kampung boys and girls, we would be playing war in the woods. A group of boys will play against the girls, and mind you, this includes hiding in the bushes, under fallen tree stump, climbing trees and also setting traps. Unbelievable but it was true. And during this time that due to some argument, and in that split second my mind recalled some scene in a movie, and without hesitation I spitted to his face. The look of surprise on him and all my friends, I brushed it all aside, and I leave.

After all this years, I still haven't managed to ask for forgiveness to this two friends, and I didn't want to wait any longer. All this while, and also recently I always dreamed about this and it got me thinking. There are things still unfulfilled and there are things that we still owed to people around us, no matter the reason, no matter who was at fault, we must try to ask for forgiveness and try to make a closure.

Why now? Why not 10 years ago? Why not later? Well, if our age has got something to do with it, then I think that I'm getting old, and I saw that shadow of mine on my son, and it scares the living hell of me.

Called it karma, or retribution or anything you want. I wouldn't let my boy to share the same guilt that I've been carrying all this time. It was frustrating, when you decided enough is enough, and you tried to correct the mistakes, and when you think you already suppresses, eliminated the shadow, you seeing it to appear in your dearest person.

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